Dear Readers,
You may have noticed that we haven’t published in a while. Blame it on our staff discovering how much more they can earn working at an Amazon Fulfillment Center. But with election season here, we are — as a service to the Mercer Island community — dusting off the ol’ presses to present our 2021 Mercer Island Voters’ Guide. It’s unfiltered coverage of the major players that you won’t find anywhere else.
Wise Pioneer Park Tree
Platform: Knows more about Mercer Island than you ever will.
Pros: Lifelong Mercer Island resident.
Cons: Campaign signs scare small children.
Key supporters: Off-leash dogs, tree huggers.
CRT-Promoting Deer
Platform: Avid practitioner of CRT, which is short for “Chewing Roses, Tomatoes.”
Also advocates teaching Critical Race Theory.
Pros: If allowed to play, will lead MIHS Football to a state championship.
Cons: Thinks your garden is their personal property.
Key supporters: Coyotes, 41st District Democrats.
Nextdoor Partisans
Platform: Make Mercer Island Great Again
Pros: Eager to share why you must vote for their favored candidates.
Cons: Might be as unpleasant in person as they are online.
Key supporters: Between 40 and 55% of Island voters.
Facebook Partisans
Platform: The exact opposite of whatever the Nextdoor Partisans support.
Pros: Very happy they deleted their Nextdoor accounts.
Cons: Have no way to track down their missing cats and dogs.
Key supporters: One or more local firefighters.
Protector of Parks
Platform: Protect Our Parks!
Pros: Speaks for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.
Cons: Has been arrested multiple times for camping on city property.
Key supporters: CCMIP
Concerned PTA Member
Platform: Make Mercer Island Schools Great For My Kids
Pros: Will bring snacks, juice boxes to every school board meeting.
Cons: Will not share with you who the best for-hire college counselor is.
Key supporters: Other PTA members, though they’ll secretly vote for her opponent.
[Image credits: Random House, Library NaUKMA]