Police Investigate Cane Bandit Attack At Mercerdale Park

An image of the Cane Bandit poised to attack her victims at Mercerdale Park. Identification of the suspect by Mercer Island police has been hampered by the extremely poor quality of the video. (Image credit: EZTVSpots.com)

Mercer Island police are searching for the perpetrator of a savage attack at Mercerdale Park last week. The unknown assailant, who community members are referring to as the “Cane Bandit”, was seen beating three victims with a cane normally used to aid walking.

One of the victims, Island resident Declan Toussaint, described the ordeal to a reporter: “We were hanging out near the old recycling center, talking about how it would be great to fix up the place and put on a show. All of a sudden we were being chased by an old lady, who called us ‘young whippersnappers’ and ‘bratty arts kids’ and yelled at us about protecting the park. The next thing we knew, we were on the ground, being pummeled repeatedly about the head and body.”

Video footage of the incident shows the assailant chasing a victim and repeatedly striking him with the cane. Unfortunately, the poor quality of the video has hindered positive identification of the suspect.

Authorities refuse to confirm or deny that the assailant is associated with the notorious Hell’s Grannies street gang, though striking similarities are evident in this archival video:

Island geronotologist Ben Matlock says that violence perpetrated by the elderly is endemic to places where residents don’t have healthy outlets for their creative impulses: “If Mercerdale Park had a building where these at-risk seniors could receive some artistic stimulation, they’d be less likely to lash out fanatically at their fellow community members. And they could take a class on how to produce a decent television commercial.”

The victims of the beating are being treated at the Ray Bolger Hospital for Straw Men and are expected to make a full recovery.