City Seeks Full-Time Masochist for Part-Time Public Service

Wednesday, November 21st is the deadline for local masochists to apply for this position with the City of Mercer Island.

The City of Mercer Island is repeating its announcement from early October seeking a local citizen with a high capacity for abuse, ridicule, and boredom to serve in an official capacity with the city. The city reminds the community that applications for this position are due by Wednesday, November 21st at 5 PM.

Candidates must enjoy attending biweekly meetings where they are required to smile while being verbally abused by anyone who chooses to speak, to listen attentively to lengthy PowerPoint presentations, and to participate in interminable and fruitless discussions governed by Robert’s Rules of Order. They must receive pleasure from having their utterances and emails posted online as part of official government records, reading turgid legalese, and being harangued by neighbors about zoning policy while working out at the Mercer Island Country Club or shopping at QFC.

The position is especially well-suited to individuals who achieve arousal from online degradation, observed former city council member Venus N. Firs: “Rarely a day goes by when you aren’t called both willingly corrupt and utterly incompetent on social media.”

The position comes with a $200 per month stipend, which can be applied to the cost of prescriptions for Valium and Xanax.

Preference will be given to candidates who so enjoy humiliation that they are willing to spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in 2019 to seek permission for an additional four-year term.

“This is the perfect opportunity for someone who thrives on subservience and victimization,” said Firs. “After all, you can’t spell ‘thanklessly serving our special community’ without ‘yes, I so crave pain.'”