Reacting to this year’s historically acrimonious election season, a group of Island citizens has formed “Dads for a Chill Mercer Island,” which they describe as an “apolitical inaction committee.” The group proposes “radical inaction” to counter the PACs and other “concerned citizens” organizations that have sprouted on Mercer Island.
“We’re not an organized group per se,” said “Dads” spokesperson Al Pathetic, “We’re just a bunch of friends — well, more like guys whose wives are friends — who hang out together over beers.”
The “Dads” group was created to help its members cope with changes in their personal relationships brought upon by local political discourse. Explained member Jess R.E. Lax: “My wife seemed content raising our kids on Mercer Island and working as a VP at Amazon, but then one day she logged onto Nextdoor.com to report a stray dog…” his voice trailing off, before continuing through tears, “I just want to be able to watch the Huskies game without being harangued about garbage contracts or someone else’s Ivy League diploma.”
Dads for a Chill Mercer Island is but one of the numerous, new, politically-oriented Island organizations with vague provenance and membership. Others include Mercer Islanders Against Straw Man Arguments (MIASMA), Citizens Against Campaign Advertising (CACA), and Island Car Enthusiasts Concerned About Pollution (ICECAP), whose mission is, “To totally do something about global warming, as long as it doesn’t require us to give up our SUVs.”
“Dads” group members are steadfast in the face of criticism that by blithely neglecting local issues, they are sacrificing the community’s future. “Why should I care about what Mercer Island is going to be like in twenty years?” said Pathetic, “I’ll be retired and living in Palm Desert, and there’s no way my kids will ever be able to afford to live here.”
Dads for a Chill Mercer Island is open to all members of the Mercer Island community, regardless of gender or parental status. The group meets every weeknight at 8:00 PM, or whenever the kids are in bed. To join, walk up to the bar at the Roanoke Inn and say, “The next round’s on me.”
[Editor’s note: An earlier version of this article incorrectly reported that the acronym of the organization MIASMA stands for, “Mercer Islanders Against Social Media Assholes.” The Distorter regrets this error.]