Island Family “Super Excited” To Spend Winter Break At Home

The members of the Sauergreyp family of Mercer Island in an old photo. Not pictured: Fomo the dog.

A local family of four revealed that they are “super excited” to be spending winter break at home on Mercer Island.

The members of the Sauergreyp family, in a series of exclusive interviews with The Distorter, offered detailed explanations of why they are “totally, totally, totally stoked” about their plan.

“Who wants to fight the airport crowds just to spend a week lying on the beach or carving up the slopes?” said the father of two, Michael Sauergreyp. “I’d much rather be having a phenomenal staycation here on Mercer Island, enjoying the crisp 8 A.M. sunrises and 4 P.M. sunsets.”

“I’m so glad we’re not in Cabo or Whistler, where you can’t go five feet without running into another Mercer Island family,” said Michael’s wife, Jennifer Sauergreyp. “And I pity my friends whose families are hiking in the Galapagos or cycling in Vietnam. Without reliable Internet access, they’re not seeing any of my amazing Instagram posts of our dog Fomo frolicking in the Island’s miraculous Christmas snow.”

“I get to spend my whole school break playing Madden NFL 15 on my Xbox 360. I can’t imagine why anybody would want a newer version, where the Seahawks don’t have Percy Harvin,” said IMS 8th grader Jacob Sauergreyp. “Plus, since all of my friends are out of town, tomorrow I get to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi with my parents. For the third time!”

Daughter Emily, a sophomore at MIHS, was the least demonstrative member of the Sauergreyp family. Asked to comment on her family’s holiday plans, she responded flatly, “Lame. Whatevs,” her torpid gaze never leaving the screen of her iPhone 5s.

As of press time, the Sauergreyps had not been reached for comment on reports that they will not be vacationing in Europe next summer.