Responding to a request from Governor Jay Inslee and Mercer Island city officials, President Barack Obama today signed a declaration designating the Mercer Island section of the nextdoor.com website as a federal disaster area. Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) officials are being dispatched to the site to offer immediate assistance to those affected.
“I’ve seen some devastating things during my time in the disaster business, but nothing like this,” said Adam Twelve, spokesperson for Washington State’s Emergency Management Division. “I thought calamities like this had been eliminated from civilized society back in the eighteenth century.”
Witnesses to the Mercer Island sections of Nextdoor have described such horrors as repetitive and ill-informed political debates, staggeringly un-self-aware displays of petty selfishness, poorly executed attempts at sarcasm, flagging posts as inappropriate on the slightest pretense, and the same three people repeatedly posting ads both requesting and offering moving boxes. The disaster declaration will enable trained FEMA experts to monitor the site and intervene when necessary, including relocating people to safer online locations.
While FEMA’s presence will help with the immediate crisis, experts say that legislation will be required to address the underlying structural issues. “Modern social networking sites were never intended to be used by people older than thirty,” said Twelve. “For their own protection, we need to restrict these people’s access to sites with limited potential for damage. For instance, AOL.”
Note to our readers: FEMA officials warn that prolonged exposure to Nextdoor causes the following symptoms: Nausea, anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. If you accidentally come into contact with a computer or mobile device that is displaying this site, proceed immediately to the nearest emergency eye wash station.