Publisher’s Notes are the personal opinions of The Distorter’s Publisher-in-Chief and do not necessarily represent the official editorial position of The Distorter.
To my fellow citizens of Mercer Island:
It’s Election Day, and you’re still reading endorsements. Perhaps you are an inveterate procrastinator. Or it has been so long since you last cast a ballot that today you plan to stop by the library at West Mercer Elementary to vote. Or you’re searching for another October surprise, or one more cudgel to wield tiresomely against those who disagree with you. So be it. After months of a campaign that has been everything we predicted it would be, it is time for me to endorse a candidate for Mercer Island City Council.
Let me start by reminding you how fortunate we are to live here on Mercer Island, where — unlike our neighbors to the west — municipal candidates are not required to put their faux middle-class sensibilities on display. Our candidates are proud of Mercer Island and everything that it represents. And they cite impressive track records of public service and personal accomplishment, some of which they may have actually achieved. I haven’t bothered to check.
Unfortunately, the declared candidates offer commitments to community engagement and a can-do approach that do not reflect an authentic Mercer Island ethos. We need a city council member who combines the passive-aggressive apathy of our silent majority with the withering, cheap-seats criticism of our not-so-silent minority. A candidate who will embody the true Islander spirit of putting one’s own self-interest above all. And so today I declare that you should vote for me, Letitia Snugbottom, as a write-in candidate for city council. Unlike the candidates whose names are printed on the ballot, I am unencumbered by the selflessness and do-gooder mentality that can only hinder one’s ability to thrive in this most thankless of elective offices. I, and I alone, will represent the masses of Islanders who complain about our problems without lifting a finger to help solve them.
So you can throw away your vote by taking advice from local know-it-alls, or by doing what some shady foreign oligopoly tells you to do. Or you can vote for the one city council candidate who will do exactly what you or your next–door neighbors would do if elected: Me. You’re welcome.
The Mercer Island Distorter