City To Consider Banning Bike Shorts From Mercer Island

The proposed measure would ban the wearing of bicycle shorts throughout Mercer Island. Currently bicycle shorts are banned only in Island establishments where food is served.

A proposed law banning the wearing of bicycle shorts on Mercer Island is on the agenda for debate at an upcoming city council meeting.

“Like all Islanders, we fully support the use of Mercer Island’s roads as a year-round destination for recreational and competitive cyclists,” said Wyatt S. Tahoe, president of local organization Citizens Against Riding Shorts. “We simply need a way to protect ourselves from the sight of these nauseating shorts. They’re terrifying our parents and corrupting our youth.”

“Let’s face it: Nobody looks good in bike shorts,” said Chief Andrea Windtower of the Mercer Island Fashion Police. “They’re completely unflattering to every imaginable body shape. And to those of you who think you can get away with wearing those looser, mountain biking shorts, we say: ‘Sorry, but you’re not fooling anyone.'”

The measure under consideration is the outgrowth of recently-published research describing a traffic phenomenon known as Aggressive Steering Syndrome. Studies show that ASS occurs when people don cycling jerseys or shorts, causing them to exhibit belligerent and entitled behavior. ASS appears to be highly contagious, spreading easily amongst groups of cyclists in close proximity. Related studies have shown that ASS also occurs frequently in individuals sitting in the driver’s seats of motor vehicles.

If passed, the law authorizes members of the Mercer Island Fashion Police to cite cyclists for wearing bike shorts and similarly unappealing cycling garb anywhere on the island. This would broaden the current ban on bike shorts on Mercer Island, which is limited to businesses where food is served. The MIFP is already authorized to cite residents for such infractions as wearing socks with sandals and wearing Crocs in public when over the age of twelve.

Cycling advocates object strenuously to this proposal. “When you outlaw bike shorts, only outlaws will wear bike shorts,” said Cascade Bicycle Club spokesperson Alberto Contraband. “And shorts or no shorts, we’re still going to be riding three abreast on East Mercer Way at fifteen miles per hour.”

Supporters of this measure vow that if the city council fails to pass it, they will start a signature-gathering campaign to get it on an upcoming ballot as a voter initiative. “That’s what concerned citizens do,” said Tahoe.