PAID ADVERTISEMENT: Citizens Against Nearly Everything Voter’s’ Guide

Posted By: staph October 28, 2015

[Editor’s Note: Here at the Mercer Island Distorter, we value our journalistic integrity. But not as much as eating, and that requires cold, hard cash. So when a local group of “concerned citizens” hurled a bunch of moolah at us to publish their stuff in our paper, we said, “Sure, why not? Less work for us.” And without further ado…]

Dear Mercer Island Voter:

We interrupt your regular reading of The Mercer Island Distorter to present this

Voter’s’ Guide

This guide is produced by Citizens Against Nearly Everything (CANE). CANE is a group of concerned Mercer Island citizens dedicated to opposing, well, like the name says, nearly everything. We believe that Mercer Island was perfect in 1960 and everything that has happened since then — yes, including The Beatles — is a threat to our way of life.

Here is a current but still growing list of the things that CANE opposes:

  1. Tolls on I-90
  2. Tolls on I-5
  3. Toll House cookies
  4. Buildings more than two stories high in the Town Center
  5. Teenagers getting high in the Town Center
  6. A bus turnaround on Mercer Island
  7. Getting a reach-around in the men’s room at the Roanoke
  8. Building an arts center in Mercerdale Park
  9. Building a meth lab in Mercerdale Park
  10. Putting Island Crest Way on a road diet
  11. That annoying neighbor who won’t shut up about the Paleo Diet
  12. Allowing cannibals to serve on the City Council (current members grandfathered in)
  13. Putting light rail on the I-90 bridge
  14. Putting a Habitrail on the I-90 bridge
  15. Giving up Mercer Island access to the I-90 express lanes
  16. Giving up Mercer Island access to IUDs
  17. Yodeling
  18. New development without an advisory vote
  19. Spending money on an advisory vote
  20. Complying with the Washington GMA
  21. Watching ABC’s GMA
  22. Having another supermarket on Mercer Island
  23. Not having another supermarket on Mercer Island
  24. Mimes
  25. Increased density
  26. The theory of gravity
  27. Off-islanders parking in the Town Center
  28. Charging for parking in the Town Center
  29. A parking lot on Kite Hill
  30. Flying kites on Kite Hill
  31. Jar Jar Binks
  32. Developing Luther Burbank Park
  33. Beautiful Downtown Burbank
  34. Canadian bacon and pineapple pizza
  35. Canadians stealing our jobs
  36. Sound Transit
  37. Sound judgment
  38. New construction on Mercer Island
  39. Old houses on Mercer Island
  40. High real estate prices
  41. Low real estate prices
  42. Cars driving too fast
  43. Bicycles riding too slow
  44. Potholes
  45. Road construction
  46. Dearth of new Matlock episodes
  47. Tax increases
  48. Spending cuts
  49. Budget deficits
  50. Budget surpluses
  51. Negative campaigning
  52. Positive energy
  53. Off-leash dogs
  54. Off-leash children
  55. The Designated Hitter rule
  56. E. coli in my water
  57. Preparation H in my ***
  58. Bicycles on East Mercer Way
  59. Pedestrians on West Mercer Way
  60. Thespians on North Mercer Way
  61. Monkeys riding tricycles
  62. Allowing new people to move to Mercer Island
  63. Allowing dead people to leave Mercer Island
  64. Soylent Green
  65. CeeLo Green
  66. That loud music that the kids listen to
  67. Kids on my lawn
  68. Every other concerned citizens group on Mercer Island
  69. Yoga pants

We’re not actually endorsing candidates in the upcoming election because they’re all politicians, and if there’s one thing we’re really against, it’s politicians. Except for the late Aubrey Davis; he was a great man. Kept Mercer Island safe from the invading hordes. Is it too late to clone him?

Please Be Sure to Vote on November 3, 2015

Unless you disagree with us, in which case your ballots aren’t due until November 4, 2015.

Email: [email protected]

Paid for by Citizens Against Nearly Everything, 8900 South Mercer Way, Mercer Island, WA 98040