Dear Mercer Island Mimsy:
I recently started dating this totally awesome guy from Mercer Island and it’s going great! When we first met, I misled him into thinking I live in West Bellevue. Our first date was at Lincoln Square, and I told him, “my apartment is near here and has a great water view.” But I actually live in Renton. Now I’ve invited him over for a romantic, home-cooked meal for Valentine’s Day, so I have to come clean. How do I do this without torpedoing the relationship?
— Wrong Side of the Tracks
Dear Both Sides of the Tracks are Wrong:
I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that your guy won’t be put off by this deception. That’s because the bad news is that he’s been lying to you, too: He’s also not from Mercer Island. No self-respecting Mercer Island gentleman would date a woman he thought was from Bellevue. Or a woman who uses the phrase “totally awesome” to describe him.
Dear Mercer Island Mimsy:
My wife is everything I could have ever hoped for: Gorgeous, a wonderful partner, a terrific mother, a successful professional, and a fantastic cook. I want to show my appreciation this Valentine’s Day. Last year I bought her a Lululemon gift card, and she seemed disappointed. What gift would you suggest?
— Aspiring Love God
Dear Perspiring Love Dog:
While no Mercer Island woman can have too many pairs of yoga pants, I suspect your wife pines for something more romantic. Get her a Starbucks gift card — with a pair of three-carat diamond studs attached. In a platinum setting. And try doing the dishes every once in a while, Gary.
Dear Mercer Island Mimsy:
I love my husband dearly, but I’ve come to dread Valentine’s Day, when he invariably splurges on lavish gifts for me. Each year he tries to outdo the last with some thoughtful but unnecessary luxury. I’m not saying I’m ungrateful, but with so many people suffering in poverty and global warming and all that, I mean, do I really need another tennis bracelet? How many romantic Canlis dinners can one girl take? If we spend any more weekends in Kauai, we might as well move there. Where does it all end?
— Spoiled Rotten on The Rock
Dear Rotten:
My dear, please enjoy all of the pomp and accoutrements that go along with being a Mercer Island man’s second wife, while you still can. It’s just a matter of time before he casts you aside for wife number three.
Dear Mercer Island Mimsy:
My boyfriend is great in every imaginable way but one: He insists on using a naturally citrus-flavored lubricant during sex and it really stings. I’ve mentioned this to him several times, but he’s incredibly rigid. How do we resolve this conflict?
— Fletcher, First Hill
Dear Felcher on First Hill:
I daresay you’ve taken this “Special Lovers Edition” business too literally. Please refer your question to a more appropriate local advice column.
Seeking guidance on how to comport oneself appropriately on Mercer Island? Mercer Island Mimsy may be reached at [email protected].