First Nations Council Seeks Removal Of 25,000 Squatters From Ancestral Island

Aerial view of some of the numerous unauthorized structures built by the 25,000 squatters occupying Mercer Island (inset).

By a vote of 6-1, the First Nations Council of Elders, Duwamish Region, has passed a resolution seeking the removal of unauthorized residents from “our ancestral island now commonly referred to as ‘Mercer Island’.”

A spokesperson for the council, Weaver Harfurst, said it had been recently brought to their attention that the island, which they had believed to be largely uninhabited by humans, is in fact the site of a massive encampment containing more than 25,000 squatters.

“While we are sympathetic to the fact that these poor souls need shelter,” said Harfurst, “Their unauthorized construction of thousands of structures covering nearly the entire surface of the island is a violation of tribal sovereignty and a threat to our traditional way of life. And even as they desecrate our sacred land, some of these squatters claim to ‘protect our parks‘.”

Harfurst added that the squatters have decimated the island’s populations of native fauna, eliminating bears and actively seeking to eradicate the remaining deer and cougars.

The one dissenting vote on the council was cast by elder Gebagde U. Rupp, who said, “Let them have that dump! Have you seen the plumbing? At the rate they’re going, in five years they’ll be up to their necks in their own waste.”

Harfurst noted that a recent visit to the island by the council had validated stories passed down for generations as part of their oral tradition. “I remember, as a small boy, hearing tales of an island not fit for occupancy, an island inhabited by evil spirits. And now that I’ve met the people living there, I see that this is absolutely correct.”