Island Books To Become Toilet Paper Retailer

Island Books is prepared to wipe up with its new product line.

Capitalizing on the publicity from a recent article in Slate magazine, local merchant Island Books has announced a strategic pivot of its core business to the selling of toilet paper.

 “The printing press is more than five hundred years old, so we’re not sure how much longer we’ll be able to make money selling books,” said Laurie Raisys, Chief Book Dominatrix of Island Books. “Toilet paper, on the other hand, will always be in high demand. Given the current market situation, we expect to wipe up with this new line of products.”

While Island Books will continue to sell books, magazines, cards, games, toys, and gifts, the bulk of the store will be converted to selling toilet paper and related personal hygiene products. Added Raisys: “Toilet paper will come in three varieties: Fiction, non-fiction, and for our older customers, large print.”

As with all of its products, Island Books offers free delivery to Mercer Island addresses. For a modest additional fee, an Island Books technician will professionally install the toilet paper in your home receptacles. Instructional classes at their store are suspended while social distancing measures remain in effect.

While recent shortages of toilet paper have flummoxed many Seattle-area retailers, Island Books finds itself well prepared to enter this market.

“It was actually pretty straightforward,” said Raisys. “We just used our existing stock of E.L. James and Bill O’Reilly books.”

[Editor’s note: Island Books is the exclusive retailer of The Distorter’s print edition.]