Mercer Island School District officials are scrambling to deal with the revelation that Colton Haulfield, a fourth grader at West Mercer Elementary, is not interested in attending a highly selective college.
“It’s just not that important to me,” said Haulfield, when reached for comment. “I want to go somewhere where I can have a good time and set myself up to get a decent job. Besides, I’m not graduating from high school for another eight years.”
Local educators say that while this condition, known in the profession as “Ordinary Achievement Syndrome” (OAS), is extremely rare on Mercer Island, cases do show up from time to time. Unlike the overwhelming majority of Mercer Island students, who join select sports teams during kindergarten, start Kumon SAT preparation in first grade, and begin original research in U.W. labs in second grade, students afflicted with OAS are content to attend classes, do the assigned homework, and play with their friends.
While OAS is believed to be contagious, evidence of its spreading has only been observed after prolonged periods of exposure. The school district is requiring all of its elementary school guidance counselors to attend training in an off-island school district to prepare them to identify and treat students who show early signs of the condition.
Some members of the Mercer Island community dispute the diagnosis of OAS as a medical problem. “I blame the parents for imbuing these children with a distorted sense of values and total lack of ambition,” says local college counselor Margaret Rittenhouse. “It’s one thing for a student not to want to attend Harvard or Yale, but some of them won’t even consider second-tier schools like Stanford.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Haulfield’s five-year-old brother, who attends Early World Montessori, wants to be a fireman and Jedi Knight when he grows up.