The Mercer Island School Board announced last week that it has hired a new chief scapegoat.
“We know how important it is for Islanders to assign blame to other people when they don’t get their way,” said School Board Supreme Leader David D’Souza. “So we needed to act quickly to make sure that parents have someone to point fingers at when their children get Bs, don’t make varsity, or are caught selling Adderall behind the dumpsters. We certainly don’t want them faulting us.”
In addition to being blamed on social media for all of the school district’s problems, the chief scapegoat’s job responsibilities include being yelled at by community members at school board meetings, being accosted by Island parents, and being castigated by members of the Mercer Island Education Association.
The school board followed the best practice established by the city council last year when it hired its own chief scapegoat, namely, selecting a candidate from California. “If you’re going to hire a scapegoat for Mercer Island, it just makes sense to hire from there,” observed D’Souza. “Everyone knows that anything bad that happens in the Puget Sound region is due to California transplants.”
For her part, the new scapegoat is eager to roll up her sleeves and get busy. “I’ve heard many fascinating things about Mercer Island, so I expect this to be quite a ride,” she said, adding, “Aside from the parents, students, teachers, administrators, staff, school board, city officials, and concerned citizens, I’m really looking forward to working with everyone.”
In other news, an Oregon man will be released from Mercer Island this Friday after a ten-year period of incarceration.