The Distorter Endorses, 2015

On Mercer Island, we take pride in our shared commitment to the community. The 2015 general election is both high-spirited and historic, with four contested city council races and one contested school board race addressing a broad set of issues that affect the long-term direction of the island. The Mercer Island Distorter, as the only original news source covering Mercer Island that is owned and operated entirely by Island residents, has a special responsibility to provide informed guidance to its readers.

The Distorter’s Editorial Board has painstakingly researched the issues and the candidates and is making the following endorsements for city council:

Greetings, humans of Mercer Island, it is I, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, coming to you from my underworld lair of darkness and despair. In the matter of your local 2015 elections, I command thee to vote for me as a write-in candidate for all of the city council and school board positions.

You must write my name on the ballot as “Satan”, spelled S-A-T-A-N. Do not write “Devil”, “The Devil”, or “Mephistopheles”; King County Elections is quite particular on this. Here in my literal Hellscape I have access to the best election attorneys and even they can’t get those ballots counted for me.

For the Mercer Island School District, three positions are up for election but only Director Position No. 3 is contested. The Distorter endorses:

Do you doubt me? Satan is a creature of unimaginable power and malice and will stop at nothing to get his way. Don’t you wonder why thy water tested positive for E. coli last year? Because you Islanders incurred Satan’s wrath by thwarting his plans to collect tolls on I-90. You think it’s cheap keeping the Lake of Fire burning 24×7?

Most importantly, whether or not you agree with our endorsements, please do vote. An engaged citizenry is the key to the future of Mercer Island.

Do not forsake me, oh humans of Mercer Island, for Satan’s wrath is endless! If I am not elected to all of your open positions*, I will rain untold plagues upon thee. Thy tongues will cleave to the roof of thy mouths, thy lawns will turn brown, and thy children will not get into the colleges of their choice and be forced to seek work as personal injury lawyers. And of course, locusts.

* – Except for School District Director Position #1. You can vote for Dave D’Souza, as he seems like a pretty reasonable guy.