Wood Products Behemoth Lowers Earnings Guidance, Predicts Layoffs Due to Abrupt Disappearance of Park-Related Opinion Pieces in the Mercer Island Reporter
Seattle-based timber company Weyerhaeuser announced yesterday that it’s reducing its 2018 revenue forecasts, in response to an unanticipated and unprecedented streak of four consecutive weeks in which the Opinion section of the Mercer Island Reporter has contained no letters about Mercerdale Park or the Mercer Island Center for the Arts (MICA).
“Our newsprint sales targets are closely tied to the number of MICA and Mercerdale Park-related letters published in the Reporter,” said Weyerhaeuser spokesperson Woody Pulp. “In 2017, there were over sixty letters and columns on this topic in the Reporter’s Opinion section, but without warning that well has gone dry. We just barely survived the demise of the P-I; I’m not sure that we can survive this.”
Pulp stated that if the Reporter doesn’t experience a resurgence in park-related opinion pieces soon, layoffs at Weyerhaeuser are likely. “Trust me, you don’t want to be the one to tell lumberjacks they’re losing their jobs,” he added. “They have chainsaws.”
Local journalism experts are struggling to explain this precipitous decline in park-related letters submitted to the Reporter. “It’s basically the same six people who write all of those letters,” said Jacob Reese, editor of the MIHS Islander. “We’re guessing they’re busy mining bitcoins, or wintering in Palm Springs.”
To some on Mercer Island, however, the recent dearth of these letters is of little concern. “Nobody pays attention to [the Reporter’s] Opinion section any more,” said local concerned citizen C. Ken Little. “If you want to learn what Islanders are really thinking, you go to Nextdoor.”
Editor’s Note: Disclosure: Weyerhaeuser is also the exclusive paper supplier for The Distorter’s print edition.