Mercer Island voters gave an overwhelming victory to “I Don’t Give A Crap” in the 2017 primary race for city council position number six, as officially certified yesterday by the King County Department of Elections.
A stunning 61% (11,009) of registered Island voters selected “… A Crap” in a contested, four-way race. Candidate “Everything Is Awesome” came in a distant second place, chosen by 22% (3,989) of registered voters, followed by the “The Sky Is Falling” platform’s 15% (2,595). In last place was “None Of The Above”, with 2% (342).
“There are many reasons that we were the preferred choice of Mercer Island voters,” said “… A Crap” spokesperson Al Pathetic. “The sophisticated fine motor skills required to fill in those little ovals on the ballots. The complicated, two-envelope system required to return the ballots. And, most commonly, lengthy overseas vacations that spanned the entire primary voting period.”
Local political experts predict that “… A Crap” will also prevail in November’s general election and, as is customary, will abdicate in favor of the second-place finisher. Said Seattle University political science professor and Island resident Pareto Optimal: “It’s a troubling sign when so many voters opt for ‘I Don’t Give A Crap’ in elections, as it opens up the possibility of governance by unbalanced, unqualified, fringe candidates whose extreme views don’t reflect the broadly-shared attitudes of the citizenry. Fortunately, something like that could never actually happen in the United States of America.”