Stunned Islanders Decry Latest Election Results

Islanders struggle to come to terms with an election result they are certain will turn Mercer Island into an unlivable hellscape.

Mercer Island residents expressed shock and dismay this week as they struggled to absorb the outcome of Tuesday’s historic election. Out in force on social media and in fraught discussions in local coffee shops, Islanders described the results as “a threat to our way of life” and “a direct assault on the Mercer Island community.”

“I thought I did everything right,” said one tearful Island resident. “I donated money, planted signs across the island, even made phone calls to undecided voters. And still —” she paused to compose herself, “ST3 passed.”

Observed another despondent Islander: “I thought I knew the hearts and minds of my fellow citizens, but I see now that I’ve been living in a bubble all along.”

A small minority of Islanders, however, expressed pleasure with the results. Said Island philatelist Anon Incognito: “I voted for ST3. I think it’s a good idea for us to make major infrastructure investments in a comprehensive transportation network for the Puget Sound region. Does that make me a terrible person?” adding quickly, “Just don’t tell my neighbors I said this. My kids have to go to school with their kids.”

Still, some disconsolate Islanders are trying to look ahead with an optimistic attitude. Said one concerned citizen: “At least our parks are safe. For now.”

In other election news, Donald J. Trump was elected the 45th president of the United States.