Publisher’s Note: The Distorter Endorses, 2016

Publisher’s Notes are the personal opinions of The Distorter’s Publisher-in-Chief and do not necessarily represent the official editorial position of The Distorter.

To my fellow citizens of Mercer Island:

Last year I put The Distorter’s editorial board in charge of our endorsements and it was, to use modern vernacular, a total disaster. A foreign-owned paper like the Mercer Island Reporter might get away with it, but let’s face it, their ownership is probably addled from the effects of the untreated sewage they’ve been dumping into the Pacific Ocean for decades.

When I look at the candidates on this year’s ballot, I ask myself, what will these candidates do for me? And by “me,” I don’t mean as an American citizen or as an average owner of a waterfront home on Mercer Island. I mean me personally. And my kids, too, if they’d ever stop staring at their damn iPhones.

The answer is: Nothing. So the Mercer Island Distorter officially endorses not voting in 2016.

Will Hillary Clinton keep mass transit out of the Town Center? Will Donald Trump build a wall around Mercer Island and make Bellevue pay for it? No, of course not! They’re all talk, talk, and more talk. They don’t give a damn about me, my real estate portfolio, or my trust fund.

Do you really believe that Steve Litzow is going to build us a private bridge to Seattle? Or that Lisa Wellman is going to make the neighbor kid stop practicing that horrible violin every day after school? Who’s going to build more resident-only parking on Mercer Island? Protect us from Seattle cyclists?  Shorten our buildings? Enlarge our parks?

All you hear from these politicians is middle-class this and middle-class that. It’s nothing but shameless pandering. Who are the candidates brave enough to stand up and fight for us, the embattled one percent? Where are the great statesmen like Rutherford B. Hayes? Until they appear, drop your uncompleted ballot into the nearest recycling bin. Or sell it online if you want to make a few extra bucks (be sure to sign the outside first).

Who’s going to put caviar on our tables? Who’s going to put gasoline in our yachts? None of them, that’s who! And that’s exactly whom we should vote for.

Letitia Snugbottom
The Mercer Island Distorter