Dear Readers,
You may have noticed that we haven’t published in a while. Blame it on our staff discovering how much more they can earn working at an Amazon Fulfillment Center. But with election season here, we are — as a service to the Mercer Island community — dusting off the ol’ presses to present our 2021 Mercer Island Voters’ Guide. It’s unfiltered coverage of the major players that you won’t find anywhere else.
Wise Pioneer Park Tree
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Pioneer-Park-tree-face-1.jpg?resize=768%2C1024&ssl=1)
Platform: Knows more about Mercer Island than you ever will.
Pros: Lifelong Mercer Island resident.
Cons: Campaign signs scare small children.
Key supporters: Off-leash dogs, tree huggers.
CRT-Promoting Deer
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/deer-in-classroom-WLWT.jpg?resize=900%2C506&ssl=1)
Platform: Avid practitioner of CRT, which is short for “Chewing Roses, Tomatoes.”
Also advocates teaching Critical Race Theory.
Pros: If allowed to play, will lead MIHS Football to a state championship.
Cons: Thinks your garden is their personal property.
Key supporters: Coyotes, 41st District Democrats.
Nextdoor Partisans
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Angry-man.png?resize=958%2C593&ssl=1)
Platform: Make Mercer Island Great Again
Pros: Eager to share why you must vote for their favored candidates.
Cons: Might be as unpleasant in person as they are online.
Key supporters: Between 40 and 55% of Island voters.
Facebook Partisans
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Angry-woman.jpg?resize=771%2C514&ssl=1)
Platform: The exact opposite of whatever the Nextdoor Partisans support.
Pros: Very happy they deleted their Nextdoor accounts.
Cons: Have no way to track down their missing cats and dogs.
Key supporters: One or more local firefighters.
Protector of Parks
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Lorax.png?resize=255%2C280&ssl=1)
Platform: Protect Our Parks!
Pros: Speaks for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.
Cons: Has been arrested multiple times for camping on city property.
Key supporters: CCMIP
Concerned PTA Member
![](https://i0.wp.com/thedistorter.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Tired-woman-in-library.jpg?resize=799%2C533&ssl=1)
Platform: Make Mercer Island Schools Great For My Kids
Pros: Will bring snacks, juice boxes to every school board meeting.
Cons: Will not share with you who the best for-hire college counselor is.
Key supporters: Other PTA members, though they’ll secretly vote for her opponent.
[Image credits: Random House, Library NaUKMA]